Dad, for the win.

I do not why it took me so long to post this. Jeremy Taylor is a member of my congregation and he wrote this and read it on the bima when his daughter Miriam became a Bat Mitzvah 16 months ago. I asked him to share it with me for the purpose of sharing it hear.

I am not going to offer any commentary. Jeremy's words say it all. Thank you Jeremy. And thanks for volunteering your time (as Miriam does as well) with our Curriculum Working Group.

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I don’t usually cry in public, so I would like some credit for being this good at it.

I didn’t grow up in the Jewish tradition myself, and so I’ve been learning a great deal right along with my kids. One of the things I’ve learned about today that I like very much is that beginning now, Miriam literally counts as an adult.

I am a high school teacher. I have seen that we frequently do harm to our teenagers by trying too hard to protect them. By sheltering them from situations in which they could make big mistakes, we too often prevent them from taking on real responsibilities. Kids are smart, they get that message- we don’t trust you, let me handle that, it’s too important.

But today has the opposite message, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Today, this community put my kid in charge of this service because she’s ready to start being in charge. Sometimes.

And I agree with that. If you know Miriam, it’s hard to disagree. So congratulations, and let’s go learn more stuff.

"Don't be Good. Be Great." The power of a coach to change a life.

For 27 years, my commute to work was about 30 seconds. 60 if I found myself behind a school bus. These days, I spend 45 - 60 minutes on I 95 every morning and evening. I spend some of that time on the (hands free!) phone, talking with people I hardly ever used to seem to be able to make time for a conversation. And I have spent a considerable amount of time listening to podcasts. While some of them - like The Promised Podcast, Israel Story and The Times of Israel Daily Briefing - focus on the news of the day, the news of the day mostly sucks the life out of me. So I have a number of favorites that make me think or simply entertain me.

One of my current favorites is Against the Rules with Michael Lewis. He describes it as "a show about various authority figures in American life." Season 2 (he is just finishing Season 4) is about the rise of coaches. Episode 2, "Don't be Good. Be Great." is about the power of a coach to change a life, in this case his own. 

The series is really great. I started with Season 4, because it showed up in my feed. It explored how online sports betting is changing our world and the way sports works for us. Spoiler alert - it is not a positive outcome. The I went back to the beginning Season 1 which explores the role of the referee in our world today. It begins with sports, but quickly moves into the wider world. It was published at the end of the first Trump administration, so I imagine the moment gave it a different context as to when I listened to it in the closing days of the Biden presidency.

So coaching - season 2.

As an educator, it should be obvious that this season is going to resonate differently than seasons 1 or 4. This morning made cry a bit, smile, and sigh very deeply. Lewis tells this story from a deeply personal place - it centers on the man who coached him in high school, and who made a very deep and indelible impression on him. It talks about how a coach - or a teacher - can shape and and give someone tools to change their own life.

This is not a review - beyond my saying it is worth your time to listen to it. I will not recap the story. It is worth hearing.

I will share a transcript of one of two of Lewis' personal stories about Coach Billy (Fitz) Fitzgerald.

Our baseball team’s actually very good, but we're playing the only team in the league that might be better. I'm the new young pitcher, and I really don't belong in the game. Our older, better pitcher has it all under control, but his fate would have it.

Fitz is forced to pull our older pitcher in the last inning with one out and us up two to one, and them with runners on first and third and lots of grown-ups in the stands screaming and yelling and going bat shit crazy.

I'm not an imposing sight. I've not so much hit puberty as dealt it a glancing blow. I look like a scoop of vanilla ice cream, maybe with pickup sticks jutting out of the sides. The other team has facial hair and muscles. They're actually laughing and dancing with glee.

As I walk out to the mound, Fitz just stands there, looking like he wants to punch someone. The situation's terrifying, but strangely, I'm not terrified because Coach Fitz is on my side, and he's by far the most terrifying thing in the entire city. And he looks at me and says, “There is no one I'd rather have in this situation,” which is total bullshit, but such is the force of the man that I believe him every word.

Then he hands me the ball and says, “Stick it up their ass.” Before he leaves me out there alone, he nods towards the kid with a little mustache on third base and says, “Pick his ass off.”

I didn't have the words for how I felt just then, but I did later. I'm about to show the world and myself what I can do. The strength of this coach was inside me like a superpower. I picked the kid's ass off third base, then stuck the ball up the ass of some other kid, and we won.

But that's not the full magic of this moment. The magic is what Billy Fitzgerald uses it to do. After the game, he gives a little speech to the team about the nature of courage and how if you want to know what it looks like, you just need to watch me pitch.

I'm hearing myself being described in an entirely original way and wanting to believe it that incident is more the beginning of a longer story than the end, because what that coach did in that moment is to hand me the start of a new identity by giving me a new narrative.

I was no longer this pointless human being, this nightmare of inertia.

I was brave, a hero, almost, and I ran with it.

Four years later, when the letter arrives saying that I'd gotten into Princeton, I run to the school to find Coach Fitzgerald to let him know - not to say "Look what I did!" but to say, "Look what you made it possible for me to do."

I am not sure any commentary I have can make a deeper impact than the actual story. It happened fifty years ago. The impact of this coach is with him today.

It is critical for our work as educators to look beyond the lesson plan, beyond even the curriculum. We are not trying to fill brains with essential information. We are simply trying to create the habits of Jewish living. Sure we do some of both of those things. They are the building blocks of our work.

I worked with Rabbi Jim Prosnit for 24 years. More than once he would remind me that my job was in some ways more challenging than his. He would say "As a rabbi, I am with people at some of the most difficult as well as the most joyful moments of their lives. They are always grateful for my being there and helping them cope or celebrate, and they express that gratitude. When they come to me, they are seeking support. You don't get as much of that."

My answer has always been that as educators, we are playing the long game. It is not about winning today's lesson. It is about seeing what kind of family our students create 10 or 20 years down the road. Are they making choices that help them create a Jewish home, no matter the background of the love of their life? Are they living the values we helped them explore in ways that bring them joy, contentment or even excitement?

I for one have been blessed. I have seen or heard from a lot of my former campers and students. They are doing all kinds of things that they love to do. Quite a few of them have made being Jewish something in which they and their family engage, rather than just as a recessive gene.

Later in the podcast, he says that without Coach Fitz, Michael Lewis never becomes a writer. He is certain he would not have the confidence in himself to take such a risk. That is the kind of educator I still hope to be. That is the kind of educator I hope I can inspire the teachers I coach and lead to be.

And by the way, Michael Lewis is a pretty good writer. You may be familiar with some of his work.

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In cased you missed the link above, you can find this episode of Against the Rules at https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/against-the-rules/dont-be-good-be-great

David Bryfman, the CEO of the Jewish Education Project posted this on the Times of Israel Blogs last Wednesday. I believe his point is very important for Jewish educators and parents. Here are the first two paragraphs. I urge you to read the entire article at https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/a-new-anne-frank-moment/.

A new Anne Frank moment

Jewish educators must teach our youth to be confident and competent in their Jewish selves and in how they relate to Israel

Behind closed doors, I used to refer to it as the “Anne Frank moment.” This is when a teacher in a public or independent school, usually in an English or Social Studies class, presents “The Diary of Anne Frank” to his or her students. Sometimes, the teacher might have given the parents and students a heads-up. Other times, students are caught off-guard for what may be their first encounter with the Holocaust.

But the “Anne Frank moment” that I mentioned was not the actual teaching of the diary in these schools. It is rather precisely at that moment when the Jewish kids in class, even the ones who have consciously not presented their Jewishness prior to this time, often have an awakening. Whether they wanted to be identified as Jewish is irrelevant; the combination of an internal spark, a presumptuous teacher question, or the sideway glance of an all-knowing classmate make that student feel like — and become known as — the “Jewish kid” in that classroom.

Continue reading at The Times of Israel

Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

Jancee Dunn is a columnist for the New York Times. Last April she wrote a piece in the NYT's Well newsletter called "When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question." In it she describes her response to her sister Heather, a teacher who had just completed a challenging week with some agitated students:

“What do you do when a kid is emotionally overwhelmed?” I asked. Many teachers at her school, she told me, ask students a simple question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

The choice gives children a sense of control, which is important when they’re following school rules all day, Heather said. “And all kids handle their emotions differently,” she explained. “Some need a box of tissues, or they want to talk about a problem on the bus, and I’ll just listen.”

First, I urge you to read the rest of the article. She posits (and shares the science) that this is a useful approach for adults as well as kids.

Second, this is an incredibly stressful time for so many of us. Pick your stressor of choice: Israel and Gaza, antisemitism, Congress and the inability to govern and listen, presidential possibilities, the economy, racial strife - there are definitely more than four horses being ridden toward the seeming apocalypse. 

Once thrice in my younger days, as my wife was sharing something that bothered her (at work or somewhere else - not at home) she told me to stop trying and give a solution and JUST LISTEN. I am sure I am not the only person who has thought "I wonder if they tried...." and then shared that nugget, never realizing that the sharing was a form of pressure relief, a search for sympathy or empathy and decidedly an invitation to brainstorm.

I have (mostly) learned my lesson. I had bookmarked Dunn's article and happened upon it today. And I really needed to reread it. I have had a build up of stress, and the article reminded me to think about what I need right now. And it may not be a "solution." 

On Tuesday I shared something my rabbi, Danny Moss, had posted. His words served as both a way to help me and for me to be heard - even though they were not my words. And now I am going home for a hug.

As you wrestle with the issues of your day - whether they are personal issues, existential issues or geopolitical issues - think about what you need. Do you need to be helped, heard or hugged? And once you figure that out get some of it. If I can be the hand, ear or hug that you need, please let me know. I am all in.

I am on the side of peace.

I work with Rabbi Danny Moss at Temple Beth Tikvah in Madison, CT. He posted this on October 14. I can only say Amen.

Elie Wiesel said that remaining neutral always helps the oppressor, never the oppressed. So, I’m picking sides:

• I am on the side of babies torn from their cribs.
• I am on the side of children made orphans by terror.
• I am on the side of all peace-loving people seeking safety for their families.
• I am on the side of Israelis and Palestinians who reject Hamas and its sub-animalian morality.
• I am on the side of self determination for two peoples.
• I am on the side of any genuine Palestinian leader for peace. How can you negotiate with someone committed to your violent annihilation?
• I am on the side of history, which proves that Israel has endeavored in good faith for peace over and again, across decades; yet this peace was always rejected.
• I am on the side of Palestinians who have been crushed by the injustices of occupation and blockade — injustices abetted and cynically exploited by their own leadership to curry international sympathy.
• I am on the side of Palestinians made human shields by their own “leaders.”
• I am on the side of Israel’s military restraint once it has achieved its security goals.
• I am on the side of people humble enough to read, learn, and understand this conflict and the people most affected by it before meme-ifying it. I am on the side of the righteous, not the self-righteous.
• I am on the side of peace.

Grandma Honey's Infallible Latkes

A neighbor texted looking for my once famous latke recipe. It was never mine. It was Grandma Honey's. (Her name was Helen, but none of us knew her by any other name than Honey. If I smell a latke (or if I am an honest, even a French fry will do), I am transported back to her kitchen. About 17 years ago, my son Ethan challenged me to a fry-off. Grandma Honey's latkes are perfect. And they are grated, not shredded. He insisted shredded was better. An aspiring foodie, he used scallions instead of onions and I think a specialty oil. He was declare the winner by my wife and his brother. I never made Grandma's latkes again. And at this point, Trader Joe's product is pretty darn good. I think only my cousin Amy still makes them. To honor the memory of Grandma Honey and to help out my neighbor Debbie, here is the recipe, which I published in the temple bulletin in 2006.

Of course there is a true "Miracle of the Oil!" I experience it every Chanukah. In the beginning the miracle happened at Grandma Honey's house. The whole family met at Grandma and Grandpa's for the Miraculous Latkes. The 10 pounds of white russet potatoes were already peeled and soaking in water in the giant yellow Tupperware bowl by the time we arrived.

It was several years before I was allowed to help grate the potatoes. Grandma was sure that no one could grate them into the fine mush as well as she. We all sat around talking while she rubbed the potatoes against the grater. Then she added the small box of Rokeach Potato Pancake Mix and the salt--just a little bit to taste.

Grandma started laying out brown paper bags—cut open to lie flat, while I took a big serving spoon and used it to spoon off the water that was gathering at the top of the potato mixture. Grandma spooned batter into the hot frying pan, filled with about 1/8th inch of hot Crisco. The potatoes sizzled immediately—giving a sigh of deep contentment. A Re-ach Tov—a Divine smell--filled the kitchen and rose to heaven.

Grandma turned the latkes with a spatula and a fork when they got crisp around the edges, and they sizzled again. Ahhhh!

When each batch was done, it was removed to the brown paper bags. It is a known fact that the bags impart an extra special flavor to the pancakes--paper towel just won't do.

My mom told me that we always had other food at dinner on Chanukah. She said we had either chicken or corned beef as well as salad or cole slaw. When I checked with Uncle Stanley, though, his memory matched mine: Latkes and Apple Sauce for dinner. Period. If there was something else, it was at best a garnish.

There have been several innovations in the family miracle--a true blending of tradition and progress. As Grandma's fingers became less agile, she agreed to my mother's suggestion of using the Cuisinart with the metal blade to liquefy the potatoes in small batches.

Ingredients

10 lbs White Potatoes

1 Box of Potato Pancake Mix for seasoning

Salt

2 Eggs

(Some add an onion)

Puree it all and fry in Crisco, cool on brown paper bags

TO FREEZE: Mom also pioneered the art of freezing the leftovers (we sometimes made an additional 10 lbs. in order to have leftovers). She places the pancakes on the paper bags, and puts them into the freezer upon the bags. After they have frozen, she transfers them to Ziploc bags. This keeps them from sticking to each other. TO REHEAT: After defrosting the desired amount of latkes, place them onto a brown paper bag on a cookie sheet. Place the whole assembly into a very hot oven until crisp.

How can we celebrate in the midst of this (or any) tragedy?

We are all looking for ways to cope and ways to help. I have found a few and am looking for more. Focusing on my own emotional and spiritual health, it seems to me I need to start writing again. I hope it invites some of you to engage in conversation - perhaps with me, if not with one another. I wrote this for the Temple Bulletin last week and thought it might make a good start. Chag Urim Sameach!

The library at the Jewish Theological Seminary in New York has some amazing books and artifacts. On a visit many years ago with a group of educators from the CAJE Conference, librarian David Kraemer passed around a brick of lucite. Inside was a very old document. It was one of several dozen handwritten copies of a letter from, and signed by, Rambam (also known as Maimonides), arguably the greatest authority on Jewish law in history.

The letters were sent to Jewish communities throughout the 12th century Western world, asking Jews to send money which would be used to ransom the Jewish community of Jerusalem. They were being held captive by either the Crusaders or the Saracens – I cannot remember.

Pidyon Sh’vuyim – Redeeming Captives – is, according to the rabbis of the Talmud as well as Rambam, the greatest of mitzvot (commandments). It is even more important than clothing and feeding the poor.

It is outrageous that in our celebrated modernity, redeeming captives is still something that is needed anywhere. We are a week away from the beginning of Chanukah. It should be a time of celebration, lighting candles, spinning dreidels, and overeating things fried in oil like latkes and sufganiyot (jelly doughnuts).

And we will.

It may feel strange to you, as it does to me, to plan a celebration while watching the news feed each day waiting for the next ten hostages to be released. I hope that by the time you read this, those releases are still happening.

The Jewish year continues to happen, no matter what else is going on in the world. Chanukah will begin on the 25th day of the month Kislev (the evening of December 7), like it does every year.

Even in the darkest times of Roman persecution, the Inquisition, and even the Holocaust, our ancestors often found ways to mark the festivals and holy days. And many Israelis are making sure to celebrate important lifecycle moments, if they are able – even with the war going on.

So, I urge you to celebrate Chanukah. Keep the captives and the civilians in your hearts and minds. Even talk about them as you spin the dreidel, or after you sing Ma’oz Tzur, if that works in your home.

There are resources for talking about the situation with children here. Remember that one of the things we celebrate at Chanukah is Jewish autonomy and freedom. Let’s celebrate on behalf of those who cannot.

Let’s gather in prayer and a festive meal on December 8 for Shabbat Chanukah (please make reservations TODAY if you have not yet done so – click this link!). Make donations toMagen David Adom or through the Jewish Federation.

Our joy may be diminished, but Chanukah teaches that we must bring light into times and places that are dark. I hope to see you over the holiday!